Out of Sync Mommy

Clippin Nails

2010-02-25T17:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I clipped the girls fingernails and toe nails while they were busy watching tv. Not too much static from the troops, just the usual yelps and pleads. As I was tucking the girls into bed that evening, Kira was inconsolable crying. "I can't pick me nose now".

Yikes, wonder why we have been puking for three weeks?

Hello Summer?

2009-08-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

As summer winds down, and the night sky darken early, I have been feeling bittersweet about this summer. I am so fortunate to have a career that enables me to have at least 10 weeks off with my family each and every summer. BUT, I feel like a spoiled child not wanting to return to work on August 31st. This summer has been my favorite summer of my life and I'm not exaggerating.

During the school year, I am tied to schedules, daycare, babysitters, lunch, and homework, so I don't feel the spontaneity that occurs naturally during the summer. This summer I have spent some great quality time with my family. We vacationed, swam, beached, hiked, and played like no ones business. I visited my mil, my parents, my sister and her family and friends from church without having to check the calendar. I saw my girlfriends and their families much more than I have in the last few years and it just felt good.

Don't get me wrong. This wasn't exactly the Kumbaya summer, I yelled at my children more than I care to admit, I wasn't present in the moment at many times, I fought with my husband, and complained about the darn New England humidity to anyone who listened. I drank too much ice coffee, not enough vegetables, and probably forgot to feed my kids as well. But my heart is full, the memories are many, and I feel ready to conquer another school year.

Dear Dance Centre Mother,

2008-10-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Dance Centre Mother,

When you make moronic, judgemental, comments it is very difficult to keep my mouth closed. I'm assuming you do not have an internal voice filter that says, "Listen, don't say that out loud, you don't know these people, this comment may hurt or offend them." You may not understand the struggles some people go through daily and quite honestly hourly.

I don't worry about what number I was in line at Jack N Jill PreK registration at 3:00 a.m., I worry that my daughter will not receive social skills training on her IEP.

I don't worry that her leggings will not match her top, she doesn't wear anything but cotton blends, due to sensory isues.

I don't worry that she will not be a top cheerleader, dancer, fill in the blank, I worry that she may never have a close friend.

I don't worry that the popular kids will not play with her at school, I worry that they will tease and torment her.

I don't worry about her birthday cakes and gifts and who will be invited, I worry about the after effects of the sugar and dairy in her gi system that will effect her sleep and attention for weeks.

While I have these worries, I have these joys that you will never experience. I cried tears of happiness when I saw her approach her friend in the driveway and hold his hand. Joys can be as small as consistent eye contact or an unrequested hug. Our successes can never be measured by your standards, nor does that bother me.

What bothers me is your lack of empathy. When you comment that disabled children should not be included in your child's classroom, the rage fills my lungs and heart. I pray that you and your family never have to deal with a disability because sometimes karma can be a bitch and so can I.
Love,
Me

I'm Back....

2008-07-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

Today we returned from camping with my parents and the girls. It was a wonderful trip!! Imagine that... overnight in a camper with my parents and two toddlers and I used wonderful in the sentence.

I lived in the moment and enjoyed the girls instead of focusing on schedules, to do lists, and organizing that will never get done.

We played board games, toasted marshmellows, played on the playground, listened and danced to bands. The girls were even given lessons with a hula hoop.

Did I mention it also rained for this trip? We overflowed my parent' s toilet bowl into their camper, woke the entire campground at 6:45. We may never be invited again but we had a blast.

Unexpected Weaning?

2007-08-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight may be the last time I nurse a child. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this. If I could take back all the times I complained of nursing my children, the midnight feedings and the sleepless nights, I would for one more night. One more night of her & I, uninterrupted. But life is not written like that and the antibiotics I must take are more important to help me heal than to have some Hallmark moment.

Why People Don't Believe I'm in My Late 30s

2007-08-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

I get this a lot. I'm not trying to brag, but many people don't believe I'm 39. I have finally figured out why - I'm very immature. When people would tell me this, I would gloat for a few hours, I'm so young, I don't have many wrinkles, I don't tan, yadda, yadda, yadda. But lately I've realized people are stating this after I do ridiculous things.

Take yesterday for instance. In the beginning of summer, I bought a plastic tricycle for Kira at a yard sale. It looked like it had been throught the wringer but still had a few good years in it. I paid my $5 and kicked myself in the arse when the pedal fell off on the way to the car. How cheap do I look asking about their refund policy. Anyways, I brought it home, the neighbors kids broke the other pedal off and Kira was never fond of the thing so it was just an eye sour that she used to store her rock collection in.

Why in God's earth do I decide to ride the piece of shit yesterday? On top of that poor decision, I decide to hold Eliza while I try to pedal my 105lb (white lie) on this bicycle. The strained plastic gave way, shooting shrapnel in all directions, while I fall on my ass in my driveway. Luckily, I fell straight backwards, so I was able to hold Eliza up so she didn't get hurt. But she could of. Stunts like that not my great young looks make people think I'm not 39.

Off topic but if you haven't watched VH1's Brett Michael's Rock of Love, you must drop everything and watch this train wreck. I LOVE THIS SHOW. The various strippers, dumb bimbos, wacked physcopaths that are contestants on this show are the craziest bitches you have ever seen. The show reminds me of what we used to look like in the 80s with posters of Matt Dillon, Poison, and Motley Crue on the walls of my bedroom. Elimination night is the best, the tarts are all dressed up for an hooker 80s prom. But what is worse than their clothing, is Brett thinking he will find true love this way. He is proof drugs, sex and rock and roll rot your brain. Brett must ditch the eyeliner.

Crazy Does Run in My Family

2007-07-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today was my sister's annual pig roast. It is a wonderful affair, we get to see family members that we don't get to see often. The kids are usually splashing in the pool, running in the yard, the keg is flowing, etc, etc. The pig roast USED to be a lot of fun. Fun before I had children. I would go, drink beer, talk with family, friends, eat. It was a great day.

Present day, with a 3 year and 6 month old in tow, minus the hubby = sucky pig roast day. I should have known better. You don't leave the house when both children desparately need a nap (Kira was asking to take a nap yesterday). I couldn't put the baby down anywhere because she would have been trampled by the kids playing tag. Kira had two number 2 accidents where she was frozen in her spot, crying. The baby cried whenever anyone held her besides myself. After 4 hours of this type of torture, I decide to leave and my oldest felt it was time to finally socialize since she had been glued to my hip since we arrived. I often wonder, do I do a bad job parenting, since it seems like only my children were acting up, but then I remembered I had the youngest children there and I was solo. Too bad.

Then on the way out, my FATHER and my aunt yell down to me, what is the baby's name? My father, who sees the baby a few times a week, saw her a few hours after birth. My father, 63 years old, seems to have all his facilities wants to know what her name is? Are you kidding me? He must have seen the look of my face - old man you are pushing to be put in a home. Because he said he was confused because Aunt Marilyn kept calling her Alicia?

See why I"m nuts.

Pottery Barn Unplugged

2007-07-01T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm getting rid of my oldest daughter's crib bumper set and I'm very sentimental over the fact. It's not the fact she is turning three and no longer looks and acts baby. It's not the fact I'll never carry another child inside of my body. And it's not the fact it was ridiculously expensive.

Almost four years ago, when I discovered I was pregnant, I poured over decorating magazines and catalogs on how to decorate the baby's nursery. I absolutely loved the Pottery Barn nurseries, soft pastel curtains hung over the expensive chenile baby bedding. Who wouldn't want that nursery to pamper their child, what perfect mother wouldn't buy the microfiber over stuffed rocker? I cut pages out of magazines, clipped them into a binder, hoping my child's nursery would look just the way it did in Pottery Barn. But in creating this "perfect nursery", I began to think I would be the same type of parent you saw in the magazines. The perfectly coifed mother, lounging on the zany flower area rug. The unharried mother, rocking that sleeping child in the microfiber rocker.

I'm even laughing while writing this piece. Like in high school biology, I realized I studied for the wrong test. Instead of pouring over these catalogs, I should have been reading Harvey Karp's The Happiest Baby on the Block or What to Expect in the First Six Weeks.

I knew motherhood would be difficult but I had no idea. My family turned out to be so far from Pottery Barn. What I realized was that Pottery Barn couldn't comfort a colicy baby like her mother. Pottery Barn did not sell stain resistant bedding, carpeting, clothing that repelled projectile vomit from a newborn. I also realized, the mothers in the catalogs didn't look like me. They didn't wear the same outfit for three days, have permantly stained shoulders from spit up or dark circles under their eyes. Dammit, they were paid models, bitches.

It took me a long time to resign the fact, my home will never be catalog worthy and with that realization came the fact that neither would myself. I wanted to have what I thought was all, happy, healthy, cute baby, slender, hip mom with the really clean hip house. Instead I have the great, happy, healthy children, stressed, tired mom with a very dirty, chaotic home. And I'm ok with that, I wouldn't want it any other way.

The other day after dinner, I watched my husband take my youngest outside in the stoller, and check out his gardens with a Sam Adams in the cup holder and realized you would never see that in Pottery Barn catalog. I didn't want to get rid of the bedding set since it would mean I was abandoning my ideal notion of parenthood. Goodbye bedding, it was never meant to be.

Little Experts

2007-04-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

A favorite author of mine, Anna Quindlen, wrote the following piece for Newsweek a few months ago and I saw it again today. Timing is everything because today I was obsessed with getting the baby to nap and trying to figure out why she wouldn't nap. I was neurotically pouring over her journal to determine what her sleep patterns were for the week like they were something to be graphed with some predictability.

In addition, I was pissed that she wanted to be held for the majority of the day. Didn't she know I had "shit" to do? Wasn't she aware my to do list was growing a mile each second I held her? I also remember when Kira was a baby, being upset that I would have to rock her to sleep. Everyone told me not to spoil her, she would need to be rocked to sleep forever. Granted it took a long time, but she is not yet 3 and doesn't want to be rocked to sleep. I sometime have to ask her for extra hugs at bedtime. I have to plaster my fridge with this piece, it is so important for me to remember.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take
great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I
am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have
learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who
sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need
razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed
more than I like. Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets
and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I
bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried
deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the
past.
Everything in all the books I once poured over is finished for me now.
Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and
sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, have all grown
obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are
battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust
would rise like memories. What those books taught me, finally, and what the
women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they
taught me, was that they couldn’t really teach me very much at all.Raising
children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple
choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No
one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another
can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet
trained at 3, his sibling at 2.When my first child was born, parents were told
to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up.
By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of
research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting
certainty is terrifying, and then soothing. Eventually you must learn to trust
yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring
over one of Dr. Brazelton’s wonderful books on child development, in which he
describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was
looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there
something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his
tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I
insane? Last year he went to China . Next year he goes to college. He can talk
just fine. He can walk, too.
Every part of raising children is humbling, too.
Believe me, mistakes were made. T hey have all been enshrined in the,
‘Remember-When- Mom-Did Hall of Fame.’ The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the
bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I
arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer
camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on
her geography test, and I responded, ‘What did you get wrong?’. (She insisted I
include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald’s drive-through speaker
and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I
include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two
seasons. What was I thinking?But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most
of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is
particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs.
There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in
the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4 and 1. And I wish I could
remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how
they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to
get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the
doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.Even today I’m not
sure what worked and what didn’t, what was me and what was simply life. When
they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they
were because of what I’d done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true
selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.
The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was
sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the
three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to
excavate my essential humanity. That’s what the books never told me. I was bound
and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out
who the experts were.

To my little experts....

My Feet Are Wet!

2007-02-24T18:09:00.000-08:00

The transition from 1 to 2 children hasn't been as difficult as I had expected. Sure, I wish I had more "Me" time, but that was unrealistic with the one child I had before. I still struggle with the logistics of getting two kids to bed at night, getting them in the car, taking them out of the house, etc. but I used to stuggle with getting MYSELF to work on time, looking presentable, and acting humane when it was just me!

The baby is just a wonderful baby. She is content (or more than her sister ever could be). She sleeps for long stretches at night, I usually get up 1 or 2 x a night and then go right back to sleep. It is a blessing. She has started smiling this week and it is just heart melting. Her personality is starting to develop with her smiles and she is becoming more alert each day.

My friend had told me a few weeks ago that while you love your children equally it takes a while to develop the relationship with the newer baby. She was so right, I'm still trying to get to know the new one and she with me. It has been wonderful, rocky, tense and blissful.

What I am trying to do differently is enjoy the moments. I wished #1 through colic, infancy, walking, talking, etc. I find myself doing it again. I reread my other daughters log to find out when she started sleeping through the night, stopped breastfeeing so much, eating solids and find myself wanting those things to occur with this new kid. I know this year will go so fast without even realizing it and I will be a blubbering mess when it is time to wean this kid. So for now ( or until maternity leave is over), I will enjoy late night feedings, cuddling, etc.

It's A She!!!

2007-02-01T12:29:00.000-08:00

Our prayers have been answered and we are blessed with another healthy daughter born on 1/17/07, weighing in at 6, 11 ozs. I knew it was a girl! We are so happy. I will post more when I have time, hahaha.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes!!!!

2007-01-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the last night I put my only child to bed by myself. For the last few months, I have felt like a single mother, going through the night time routine, mumbling under my breathe, when am I going to get some help? A few weeks ago it changed, something changed in my mindset. Don't get me wrong, it sometimes sucks, but I've learned to enjoy the time. Hell, things could be so much worse... I have a committed husband and father to my child whom enjoys being with us, and he isn't in Iraq. What more could I ask for? I started enjoying this time with Kira, realizing it is only temporary. In a few days, I will be juggling two crazy kids, with different bedtime routines and it won't be so easy. So tonight, I savored the moment and gave her extra squeezes.

And now I'm going back in to see her to put her back in her diaper, pajamas, and bag. Pick all her stuffed animals, blankets, pillows, etc off the floor and tell her to go to sleep (in my nice voice). So much for savoring the moment.

A Family's Full Circle

2006-12-30T17:33:00.000-08:00

I'm posting some of my drafts because I don't want some of this information lost.

From July 19, 2006, I wrote:

Kira has developed an affection for the video camera. Not the affection for starring in the video, but watching the video. Every day, she grabs the camera to watch her last six months on this earth and watches like it is the first time she has seen the footage. She laughs at all the same places and names all the people in the video, ana, Mommy, Daddy, buddy. I watch it with her each time, with a big smile on my face, laughing as hard as she does. It's amazing to watch the past unfold because it doesn't seem like you can enjoy it that much living it. It also makes me sad watching it, watching her grow in fast motion. I remember wishing the days away, the days when colic would stop, when she would sleep through the night, and wanting her to walk. It makes me realise I need to enjoy the present.

This has been compounded by the fact my family has put their family movies on dvd and I watched it with my parents and sister the other night. It was heartwrenching, to see my grandmother in a happier time and realize she was a happier person in her earlier life. To see laughing and enjoying her family made my heart so sad. It also made me miss her dearly.

I often feel guilty about the times I was annoyed with her complaining. Her favorite saying was, "What a long day!" I remember thinking, hey lady at least your not four feet under, things could be worse. Also, when shoveling her walk and parking spot, she would be outside directing me how to shovel the snow. How often I wanted to cream her with a snowball! But on the other hand, her life was lonely and tragic and she could be such a lovely person when she wanted to be.

This full circle realization made me aware that life is too short. I can become the women who thinks the days are too long or I can choose to be gracious that I have been given another day on this earth to enjoy my family.

Lots of Help

2006-12-09T05:38:00.000-08:00

Last week Kira started her first week of OT, it was groundbreaking for her and us. The therapist seemed to bond quickly with Kira and seemed to know exactly what Kira was seeking. It felt almost too good to be true, Kira was happy, engaged and not seeking the sensory stuff. I couldn't believe someone could walk into our home and see what Kira needed within a half hour. It was truly amazing and helpful. I felt elated and like we were making progress.

Then this week, the OT finished her evaluation and indicated she saw definate sensory issues and felt if we kept our appt with the development dr he would definately diagnois her ODD because it would give her more help. Though I knew this dr is "known" for giving ODD diagnoisis for the child's sake, I guess it felt like some one hit me across the head with the autism label. I don't want the label if it doesn't apply and reassuringly, the OT felt no ODD symptoms with Kira. I guess at this point we will be put on the waiting list for Boston Childrens and hope their diagnoisis is true to point.

In addition, the OT authorized 1 hour a week for 1 year for Kira to receive ST. I was shocked. I feel Kira could use a little help with speech but didn't feel overly concerned in this area of development. I felt much of it was personality and Kirisms but to hear a professional indicate she needs help.

Don't get me wrong, I so grateful for the help, but I think I'm mourning the thought that Kira is not perfect in the eyes of someone else. I also feel like I failed her as a mother, because I didn't see her sensory seeking behaviors and speech as such a delay as these professionals do.

This has been one of the most heartbreaking times in my mothering life but it is so bittersweet seeing health care professionals take a concerned interest in Kira.

Giving Thanks.....

2006-11-25T04:39:00.000-08:00

Though I silently gave thanks during our Thanksgiving celebrations, I really needed to sit down and give thanks for everything I am thankful for because sometimes I tend to get bogged down in the grind of everyday life and I need a smack in the head to realize how lucky I am (sorry run on sentence).

I am thankful for my dear hard working husband. Like me, he has his quirks, but to be loved by such a kind, gentle man is wonderful. His love knows no boundries (that I can tell).

I am thankful for the 2 year old whirlwind who has taught me patience, unconditional love, and is showing me the world all over again through her eyes. I really need to slow down and enjoy it.

I am thankful for this life growing in my belly and seems to be a healthy kicker and sleeper. I am truly blessed to experience two wonderful pregnancies.

I am thankful for Caleb, who still drives me nuts, but he is still kicking and amazingly hasn't bitten the kid.

I am thankful for my family, who with the exception of my younger sister and her family, was able to see on Thanksgiving. Its great to be home.

I am thankful for my inlaw family. To have a mil that treats you like her own is a true blessing, and the bil & sil are just an added bonus!

I am thankful for my small group of wonderful friends. Thank god I have them, without them I would need expensive therapy.

I am thankful for my wonderful job, not too much pressure, wonderful hours and needy children.

I am thankful for my health. Knock on wood.

I am thankful I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my pantry and love all around.

Sorry for the corny post, I need to look at this when I having one of those days!!

Starting to Freak

2006-11-18T03:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, it has finally hit me, I am pregnant. Crap what was I thinking? We are finally at a stage in our life or Kira's life that we can leave the house spontaneously and not have Kira go into orbit for three days straight. We are also in a good routine with our jobs, life and finances.

Also, where the hell am I going to put this baby? Kira was in our room for the first 3-4 months but poor baby K #2 will not have this luxury with daddy's insomnia. Therefore, unfortanate baby will be placed in the junk room upstairs which resembles my mil's house. Keep in mind my junk room contains all MY stuff, clothing included, and anything that would typically be kept in a basement but since ours floods, junk room it is. Can some one nominate me for Clean Sweep or Mission Organization and have production wrapped before Christmas? On that same note, I won't mind if someone nominates me for WHAT NOT TO WEAR after the baby is born. Why did I wait until 8 weeks before the baby is born to start cleaning this room? Ack!

Also, I'm starting to get sleep deprivation again with the hubby and dog. Does that sound strange? Kira has nothing to do with it now - yah baby. So now introduce a human that needs to eat every 2-3 hours and what do you have - unhappy mommy who doesn't get more than a 2 hour stretch of sleep. What were we thinking?

Christmas Shopping is another stress factor - 2 gifts are purchased though my intentions are good. Besides getting this house ready for baby, holiday preparations, work, running after a 2 year old, I'm plain bushwacked! Calgon take me away!
Sorry for the rambling post but my heart rate has decelarated!

Warning - Look at Your Food Before you Eat

2006-11-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

I must tell a story of a rather disgusting culinary disaster that occurred at my sister's home yesterday. Whenever I visit her, I rummage through her fridge and cupboards because they have the best junk food - ever!! I can and usually do inhale a bag of chips, candy, ice cream and other sugary snacks. It is pure bliss. My sister is really good about it, never mentioning what a pig I am but I'm sure she must think it. I know I do.

Yesterday, Kira ate dinner at her house so I was picking too. I decided I needed some water to wash down the left over pepperoni pizza I was munching on. I filled my glass with the water spout from the fridge and set about picking Kira's junk up. Next, I sat at the table eating ANOTHER slice of pizza, washing it down with a luke warm glass of water that I just retreieved from the fridge. This was my first warning sign. Alert, Alert, something not right. Do I stop eating or drinking? No, I continue in a drunken junk food stuper. Next, I notice the ice has a little bit of mold on it? Strange, I didn't think ice would mold and then I remembered, I didn't have ice in my drink.

Only then did I find it necessary to stop shovelling in the food and drink. I look down at my glass and it's not my glass and there is something in it. My first scary thought was that it was my bil's drink of some alcoholic beverage and water? No, it's worse.

It was one of my nephews' growing, slimey ghost that has been brewing on their counter since fucking Halloween!!!!! The type of toy that you put in water and grows and slimes. I drank half of the water. The water that the boys put their fingers in everyday!!! Algae, slime, frogs, dogs, etc. You name it, it's in there. Or rather, in my belly, feeding baby K#2.

So, if baby K#2 comes out slimey or looking like a halloween prank gone bad, it will be my fault.

If only I looked at my food while I inhaled it.

Breathe of Fresh Air!

2006-11-09T11:02:00.000-08:00

Today, after a particularly trying night, I snapped this picture - she looks like she is posing. What a goof.
Enjoy! I will be posting some posts this week that I have written in the past. Unfortanately, I need to censor, since I have some new readers.

Second Child Syndrome

2006-09-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

This poor baby is already neglected in utero. When I was pregnant with Kira, I documented my feelings in a lovely journal that I hope she will enjoy some day. This baby's journal has one entry, the day I found out I was pregnant.

And let me tell you if this kid ever finds this journal, we will be paying for therapy until he/she turns 45.

They Say Dont Sweat the Small Stuff but...

2006-09-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

Look at this piece of cake Kira ate on Wednesday night at my brother in laws party!! We now know why she was up all night crying and had a diaper blow out on Thursday. Also, look at Eric's face, it says I know she should stop but I don't know how!!

Now she has caught the fall cold and I'm hoping this will not be the start of six months of cold and flu season, god help us.

But onto bright things, yesterday Kira blew into the tissue while I tried blowing her nose. I almost broke into tears, she is trying to help me!! A small success for us!!

Why it Sucks to be Married to Mr. Martha Stewart..

2006-09-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong, it is not nice to complain about some one that will cook gourmet meals for you and everyone in your family but...

When Eric comes home from work and I had a hard day with Kira, I usually shriek we are having leftovers, pizza or take out.

Yesterday, I was busy with obligations and Eric had to watch Kira who is perfecting the terrible twos. Eric was having some friends over for lunch and needed to watch Sybil for a few hours. What does he prepare for company? Spicy chicken salad with home made dressing, garlic freshetta bread and a grape jam strusel - all from scratch. What the fuck!! I asked him how he managed to get this done? His reply, "what do you think the tv is for?"

He makes me look so bad.

If fact company usually asks who made whatever we are eating before they agree to eat. If it is me, they are usually full.

I blame this all on my mother!! I only learned how to microwave lean pockets for dinner. I should safe this for another post, frogs feet, porcupine meatballs, oh the horror

Two Extreme Feelings

2006-08-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

This week has been a roller coaster of emotion at our household. Up, down, up, down and then repeat. We are having a few issues with Kira that can only be explained as sad, unknown, overanalyzed, and undiagnosed. Not to worry, it is nothing life threatening but I'm very unsure of my mothering skills and intuition. The hardest part is not being able to be honest and upfront about my thoughts. I've reread my post http://outofsyncmommy.blogspot.com/2005/07/intensive.html and its made me a teary mess. We will get there, some how.

On the other hand, I accepted a job offer that will be a step in the right direction for our family. For over3 years, I have been struggling with my role in the family, besides mother, wife, etc. and this job will really be a great start for me. It will build consistantcy for Kira, money for our home, and a foot in the door for when I'm ready to teach. I'm hoping my boss will fire me when I give my notice, I need the vacation.

2nd Bday

2006-08-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

First off, sorry for the lame blog lately, I have been too lazy to post. But I'm back.

Secondly, we had Kira's second birthday party today and it was a blast. This party was postponed from last week, since she had a fever, so it all worked out for the best.

As you can see from the photo, she has the social skills of a knat and is a true introvert (Thanks Daddy). She did enjoy eating the cake and watching her guests but other than that, I really question her social skills. She likes other children but makes no effort to play with any one. Sound familiar?

I must remember to always have parties early on a Sunday morning, people chew and screw like you wouldn't believe, even my parents! We had the rest of the afternoon to ourselves and I even had time to write a boring post.

To reassure everyone I am a true misfit, incapable mother, I accidently put three candles on Kira's cake instead of two. Eric had to explain it to me. Yikes, how did I end up someone's mother? And this is without alcohol.
Pray for us.

A Good Nights sleep

2006-07-08T10:34:00.000-07:00

It snuck up on me.... the sleep depreviation has disappeared. I shutter thinking of writing these thoughts down for the world to see and to kick myself in the ass when it comes back to bite me. The kid has been sleeping, really sleeping for a few months.

I don't know when it happened, it wasn't an overnight thing. It's kind of like a relationship going from just dating to moving in together, it was slow and methodical with a lot of kicking and screaming involved, nevermind what the kid had up her sleeve.

It is wonderful! It occurred to me the other day to take the blow up mattress down and clean the spare room to get ready for the next tyrant. But the next thought was don't do it, she will suddenly stop sleeping and I will have no where to heave my heavy body onto during the dark and scary nights. But I need to make a leap of faith.

5 Years Already?

2006-07-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today is our wedding anniversary and I'm quite surprised. Surprised we made it this far, surprised we are still in love, surprised we have "children" and surprised it has been five years already.

I never thought we would get married in the first place but here we are in present day. Survived by death, illness, mental illness, childbirth, a colic child, dead end jobs, financial insecurity, and through it all you see one common denominator - love and respect.

Keep your fingers crossed, the next 5 are as calm.

A Pause in Time

2006-06-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

Last week, Kira and I went out with another Mommy friend and her children. This women is a lovely person and her children are exceptionally well behaved (3 ish and 7 months). You know where I'm going with this one.... Kira was a lunatic and will never be asked back to play with these children. It started with the terrified crying for most of the car ride there, throwing a hard plastic toy at this woman's sleeping baby, and her constant resistance to being strapped into her stroller. It was a great day. Add that to the fact, my sciatica was flaring with a vengeance, it was a muggy day and I was trying to pull the wagon up hill with a screaming child. Did I forget to mention the fact, complete strangers were trying to rescue my ice coffee and camera from being thrown by my unhappy child? Really it would have been a great day, if I had felt better and responded to Kira differently.

Then... after this excursion, the family decides to go to our local Strawberry Festival on the town common. I agree with my husband because of my 1st trimester insanity that we don't need the stroller. He promises me, he will keep an "eye" on her. Guess what? A normal human being cannot "keep" up with a 22 month old toddler. She would not stop..running...at...all. It was insane. I remember waiting in line for a hot dog and seeing Kira across the common flailing like a crazy person. I wasn't looking for Kira but the commotion caught my eye. Thats my girl. Eric and I felt beaten, watching all the other smarter parents pushing their children in strollers. Our stupidity is incredibly evident. We were outsmarted by a kid.

After a few days of these type of events, I start to ponder Kira's intensity again. It doesn't seem like most parents we run into are frustrated, tired, and beaten like we seem to be (with the exception of jenny). They can sit down and enjoy these outings with children who like to be with their parents. Lately, Kira's main goal is escaping our throngs, its really irritating.

But then a pause in time snaps me back to the present and reminds me to enjoy this time. Last week we had an impromptu neighborhood sprinkler party and the kids were eating mac and cheese on the blanket under the tree. I was rounding the corner of the house, and saw Kira sitting under the tree with my neighbor, paper plate perched upon her lap like gold, eating her mac and cheese with a huge smile on her face. Her smile reflected that this is the life.

And the Academy Award Goes to....

2006-05-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

You guessed it, the kid.

The other day, we have my bil & sil over for lunch to celebrate my sil's 30th bday. It was great having them visit. They don't have children, so find it endearing to be dragged around the house by the little creature for hours on end. Eric & I are growing very tired of this especially when you want to sit down after work.

Kira and her uncle were playing on our bed. The same bed she has fallen off of twice in the last three weeks. I didn't post the info here because I felt it would warrant another intervention to DSS. The first fall occurred while I wasn't at home, of course. I'm the attentive parent, I would never let that happen. That taught me to never say never...

Fast forward a week, forgetting Kira is able to get on the bed by herself, I ran downstairs to switch the laundry. What do I hear on my way back up? "Jump, Jump, Jump, Juuuuuump, crash". After the crying came the vomit, which is normal with a "slight" head injury. The doctor indicated to watch her and if she seemed sleepy or vomitted again to bring her in. Great, mother of the year.

Anyways, Kira decided to snore for Uncle Jay and pretend she was sleeping, a trick she loves to repeat and repeat and REPEAT. He fell for it and closed our bedroom door and informed us, she fell asleep on the bed! I cannot believe he fell for it because he is not the gullible type of guy, that kid is getting really good.

Doesn't she look like an actress?

Was it Really Mother's Day?

2006-05-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

Happy belated Mother's day to all the ladies who read this silly blog. The mothers, grandmothers, aunts, nieces, friends and all women who "mother" something or some one. This mother's day was a complete mirrored example of the unbalanced but fulfilling life I live here in mommykingdom. I'm really not a big believer in these "Hallmark" holidays. You know the ones I'm talking about, Valentines Day, Fathers Day, Secretary's Day or administrative Assistant Day, whatever is politically correct now a days.

I was awoken by the screeching cries through the baby monitor at 5:30 a.m. Oh boy, a little early, but hey, she slept through the night, who am I to complain? Eric suggests I stay in bed and sleep late but forget to mention that to my niece who slept over the night before who was playing the ACCORDIAN around 6 am. Who the fuck bought that toy? Ok, time to get up anyways. We all ate a wonderful breakfast cooked by my niece who was so pleased with herself, it was priceless. Over the course of the day, we visited both Grandmothers, napped (her not me), and cooked dinner. A really, relaxing day. (cough, cough).

What I really wanted was the day to myself. No responsibilities, no work, nothing. But it occurred to me, that will never happen. Though it would feel good temporarily, I would miss the kiddo, the chaos, the hubby, the dog, the munatiny of my life. I would miss all the little Kiraisms that I love so dearly. Its what keeps you on track, sane and completely insane.

I watched my mother on Mother's Day, she was taking food out of the fridge to feed the troops, not my father, but my mother. I realized a mother never gets a day off, just the appreciation she deserves. But if your lucky like me, you get the appreciation all year long. Thats what I mean about Hallmark holidays. So if you were like me, you enjoyed this Mother's Day because it will be one I will never forget.

On a hysterical note click on this link for a belly clenching laugh. It gets funnier with each viewing. This is Ben and Jeffrey in 7 more years or Eric and Jay in the past.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecRoyNzhGvg&search=happy%20mothers%20day

PS - If anyone can help me edit these friggin' links I would appreciate it.

Public Apologies Vol 1, Edition 1

2006-05-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

Twilight Zone

2006-04-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

The other day, I had the strangest conversation. I brought Kira to the pediatrician for her monthly ear infection visit. Good news, she either was starting or getting rid of an ear infection, we have antibiotics again!!

Her pediatrician was on vacation, so we were able to see another doctor in the practice. The doctor was a lovely, kind women who gave me the option whether to start antibiotics or not. Giving me the prescription in case I needed it. I almost kissed the doctor, some one who understood the impracticality of toting around a toddler daily to the doctors. I thought, amen, this women must have children.

But as we were leaving, she kept commenting that I had boogers wiped on my shirt, my arm, my hair. The snotty in my hair was mixed with a variation of superman and spongebob stickers. She was very concerned I was unaware of this situation. I didn't bother to explain to this doctor I just left 16 testosterone filled boys at work whom were ready to rip each other's heads off. I was lucky to be alive as well as the boys were. I also did an art project with these attention deficit filled boys and I was thankful I wasn't wearing any paint. Does anyone else consider the day to be a success by not having a stain on their clothes by 12 noon?

Beware of the Puddle!!

2006-04-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Kira is obsessed with puddles. Not just the rain puddles collecting in our driveway with remnants of unlucky night worms, but of any formation of water.

The puddle that collects on the side of the bathtub during her bath, the water that has dribbled from her lip and congregates on the highchair, and the slobber of dog dribble that is coating our home. The last is by far the grossest thing I have seen in a while. My 100 lb dog has the largest jowls of the animal kingdom and loves to slurp from his bowl and dribble and shake around the kitchen. After this scenario occurs, Kira comes running to see what she can play in. It is disgusting!!

Usually, I let her play in the water, its not really a big deal but puddle playing is not a quick and neat endeavor especially when we have places to go and people to visit. Take for instance, the other day, Kira was dressed so adorably. I thought to myself, I should wait to dress her before we leave this house incase she happens upon "water" but took the chance. Stupid, stupid mommy. Kira found the remaining water in the bottom of her tubby toy container and attempted to drink it. I say attempted because she did manage to pour it down her adorable outfit. Ugh.

Did I also mention she loves to eat mud? It does not please her culinary daddy.

What Now?

2006-04-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

I thought this feeling would go away but it rears it's nasty head every few months. I'm a week late, 3 pregnancy tests later and not pregnant. My first thought is SHIT!! Though my last CT scan was 4 months ago, I haven't seen my gyno since my post partem appt in September. Shame on me, but seriously, its been on the list. I do have an appointment next month and my next scan is at the end of this month, so I feel a little bit of comfort. It is probably nothing.

But it makes me think, will I ever feel comfortable and not have that nagging feeling it will come back? Whenever I have stomach or pelvic pain, I freak out with worry. Please tell me I'm not the only one? Do you have crazy far fetched worries?

A funny thought that is helping me remain calm - Is this the start of menapause? Wouldn't that be a bitch.

New Awakenings

2006-03-25T10:18:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling really, really, really optimistic about some work opportunities that have presented themselves this week.

The knucklehead formally known as my boss is no longer employed at our business and I'm feeling the enthusiasm I originally felt when I joined this group.

I hope it doesn't crash again because I feel like I'm using my brain again which hasn't been used in almost a year. Keep your fingers crossed.

Quote of the Day!

2006-03-24T08:04:00.000-08:00

Sarcastically, we are here again at quote of the day. This one is good.

Kira & I visited my mil at her place of employment to pick up some ant traps for our ant invasion. I go to the register to pay, while the mil says, "Make sure you don't put these in Kira's reach."

Doi!!! I was thinking of lining the crib with them, what do you think? I don't mean to pick on my sweet mil, because I know my own mother would say the same thing. What is it with the older generation saying the most obvious, common sense instructions to their kids when these kids are grown adults. Excuse me, I'm 37, I know Kira should not play with ant traps.

I pray I don't become a blabbering idiot when I have my own grandchildren. But I have the feeling I will.

How to Wean a Mom

2006-03-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

I wrote this post on July 5, 2005 and it seems fitting for this time in our family life:

The time has come for me to consider weaning Kira and I'm finding it more difficult than I had predicted. When I first started breastfeeding her, I figured I'd be lucky to make it a week, but it turned out to be a wonderful experience for the both of us. A month ago, I decided to slowly wean from 6 - 5x a day and that went smoothly. She didn't seem phased. Wait a minute! Doesn't she care?

Yesterday, Auntie Val watched Kira, and she put expressed BM in a sippy cup cold. Val said she loved it and would have drank more if there was more. This concerns me. I thought Kira would not like to wean and wanted comfort more than her nutrition. Boy was I wrong. I beginning to think I've gone this long because of me not her. If she enjoyed the cold BM, shouldn't I just give it to her? The experts indicate a child will let you know when they are ready to wean so is this it? Is the end near? I'm not ready.

I never published this post but I'm glad I saved it because here we are 8 months later and I've just started the weaning process because she hasn't been able to hold down milk with the stomach bug she had at the end of this week. Ironically, she hasn't looked for the breast. She is so sick and tired, she wants to be left alone.

I also think its ironic that it took illness to start the weaning process. Would I have fed this kid until K, thinking there was nothing wrong with us? I thought I was ready, but I'm feeling very sad. Sad that this experience is over for us, sad that she doesn't seem to care, and sad that I will probably never nurse a child again. But once this painful process is over, I will be happy. Happy to sleep on my belly again, happy to drink more than 2 glasses of wine and happy to take a dosage of nyquil again!! After 2 1/2 years of pregnancy and nursing, it will be nice to have my "body" back. Wish us luck.

Quote of the day!

2006-03-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

Considering my last two posts, should I be insulted by this comment by my mil? I'll set the background. She just found out on Thursday that Kira has been sick. This from a conversation with my beloved that feels details aren't worthy of discussion.

"Do you think you should call the doctor?", questions the mil.

UGH, woman!

Please go back to go and collect some common sense!

2006-03-10T08:29:00.000-08:00

I am a complete moron. The reason Kira is not getting any better is because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Besides, breatfeeding her after puking episodes, I'm administering her meds incorrectly. A normal, rational person with a keen common sense, would realize alternating Tylenol and Motrin does not mean taken together which I have been doing with no success.

Thank God I call the nurse line three times a day, the nurse who answered this time, informed me I was over medicating Kira with the dosages being given together. I'm not buying I overmedicated her because she barfed up all doses after being given them. The poor thing, she doesn't realize her mommy is DUMB. Not to toot my own horn, but I am educated (noticed I left off well). Bachelors in business, masters in elementary ed, big fat goose egg in common sense.

I can imagine the nurse line after they hang up with me (more so after the day before killing my baby with heat). Nurse, "I just hung up with that fuck nuck Wendy, they really should have a test to take before they become parents. "

I fully expect at her next baby well appointment that there may be an intervention.

Mother's Intuition 0 for 3!

2006-03-09T09:19:00.000-08:00

I lost my mommy mojo.

Seriously, I prided myself on the fact that I know my daughter and I'm confident in my mothering skills since her first ear infection at 3 months old. I've even bragged about it here.
But I've lost it, the last three times dealing with illness, infections and fevers, I blew it. Big Time. DSS will be showing up at the door any day now with strick orders to remove this precious toddler from these parents who only get more stupid with parenting not better.

The last two times I have brought Kira to the drs for a suspect ear infection, I was wrong! I couldn't believe it, I really don't know what I'm doing. Besides the ear infection debacle, I have been breastfeeding this kid during her vomitting stage. Do you like milk after a fresh puke episode? Guess what, she doesn't either. Guess what she did after feeding? If you guessed puke, you are correct.

But this one takes the cake.... Wednesday night I could hear Kira labored breathing around 1am and it sounded like a dog panting with thirst. I was very nervous because she had a fever all day that wasn't lowering with "alternating" (saving for another post) Tylenol and Motrin. I wake her, wake Eric and yes she was breathing too fast, like she ran a marathon. I called the nurse line, and the nurse, who couldn't hide her obvious disgust with me and my "unsatisfactory" parenting, explained to me, she was bundled too much, onsie, fleece pajamas, fleece bag. I seriously, never heard that one before but will keep it in mental file. And yes, her breathing returned to normal once we shed the layers.

Dear Kira, you would be better off being raised by wolves! But she seems a wee bit better.

19 Months - Packing the Clothes and the Breast

2006-03-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, Kira turned 19 months old, along with my beautiful niece Cierra who turned 7!! It was a wonderfully chaotic day filled with love and family. It caused me to reflect on the last nineteen months with this little cherub and the change to the our family dynamic.

She is growing into such a kid. I'm the first to admit, I wasn't thrilled with the baby stage. This toddler stage is SO much better. It could have been the colic, over stimuli or the sleep deprivation but I'll gladly take a temper tantrum over the other baby stuff any day of the week.

Her vocabulary and independent streak is causing her to be such a happy girl. She can verbalize what she wants or at least drag you to the source and point with glee. It wasn't her fault she wasn't a happy baby, it was me and the hubby who had no business having children. It is like someone turned on her happy switch and it is bubbling over the brim like fresh soda from a can.

But her growth and independence makes me a wee bit sad. I've been packing up her outgrown clothing and sorting by size and season. Why? I don't know. We probably won't be having more children, a thought I haven't come to grips with to date. But I can't bear to give this stuff away. If I hold onto the baby stuff, I'm holding onto hope that we may have more children as doubtful as it could be.. I touch each outfit, each one claiming to be my favorite, but its more than hope, it's memories. Memories of her first smile, her first laugh, first steps and first words. Where did these 19 months go?

With the packing of the clothes makes me determined to wean this maniac. It is very hard. I had drafted a post a little less than a year ago about being sad of weaning but we never made it that far. We are still breastfeeding, morning and night, EVERY DAY!! While I'm ready to stop, I don't think she is and I feel badly refusing her comfort. I'm also very proud of our breastfeeding accomplishment. I went into it promising her 6 weeks, and we lasted much longer. Besides it being very healthy for children, I found it very easy, convenient and let us not forget free!! I cannot believe we are still going, I'm sort of embarrassed. But on the other hand, I'm well known for starting a project and not finishing it... the sunporch, Eric's quilt, exercise. Besides graduate school, breastfeeding was a project we took on, conquered and succeeded! So I feel a sense of accomplishment. But it isn't going to be easy.

Grant Me Patience or a Martini!!

2006-02-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and tired of people telling me, "It's the side effects of the medication," or "She is acting that way because she doesn't feel good." No kidding, I wasn't born this week, but it still doesn't mean I can't be frustrated by my family's craziness.

The mutt is chosing to use the bathroom hourly at his convenience. For instance, one nano second after I put the kid in the tub, the moment my head hits the pillow, during the morning I'm putting Kira down for her nap, and while doing the laundry. Not only is increased urination a side effect of his Phenobarbitol, but increased hunger! Like when he ate our Chicken and roasted pepper paninis off of the counter or when I open the refrigerator and his rabid Cujo face is pinning me up against the fridge for a bite of the cheese stick. It's cute.

The kid is wiping her snot over everything in the house. Luckily, her fever is down but now the snot is coming in full force. Blow her nose? Never, not her style. She likes to wipe it on Mommy and Daddy's clothing so that the nice librarian who tries to pick the lint of Mommy's fleece is actually trying to scrape three day old boogy. Take her medicine? Not if she can help it, she will contort into Houdini to escape a dosage of Motrin that will make us all happy. Eat? Not happening but she will give you the illusion it may happen but instead choose to throw her food, sippy cup, bowl and utensils at the china cabinet, while Daddy is dying on the inside.

And the hubby stating the house is a pigsty. Really? What gave it away, the snot encrusted dust bunnies? Or the food growing on the bathroom mirror that has been flossed by his truly.

Really people, I'm trying to be patient. I pray for it every morning before I leave my bed (or my blow up raft upstairs), but I'm losing it slowly everyday.

So when I do lose it, no one will say it was the side effects of her meds or she wasn't feeling good. The crowd will yell, "That bitch was crazy!"

Retail Therapy

2006-02-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't been out without the crew since before Christmas, so today was pure heaven wrapped up in a frantic two hour shopping spree for the kid.

Boy did I need it and it felt wonderful. Since when did buying absolutely nothing for myself feel wonderful? Times have changed.

And some things do not change... waiting a friggin' month to get a consult for Caleb to see a neurologist at the "leading" animal hospital with a veterinarian referral!!!! WTF, was I pissed at the poor receptionist who proceeded to tell me she was booking into the middle of March. "Middle of March,?!" I screeched into the phone. After a few back and forths, she proceeded to tell me that if I didn't like that, I could bring him into Emergency and hope they will do a catscan there after the $150 entrance fee.

I wish Caleb could seizure on command, I'd bring him into her office, fbomb the command, have him pee & shit in her cubicle and bite her friggin hand off, then maybe they would consider it some what of an emergency.

I know, things could be a lot worse. After this horrible accident happened : http://www.telegram.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060206/ALERT01/60206006, I don't want to wait, I feel it is important.

Honey, Her Paints May Need Stain Stick!!

2006-02-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

Something you don't want to hear when your spouse has been "watching" the kid, while you are at work. Conversation runs like this:

him - "I left her pants on the sink so you can use the stain stick on them."
me - "Oh, thank you. You do realize this is the first time she wore these khaki pants? By the way, what happened, why does she have mud on her pants?" Thinking where the hell did she find mud, we have a foot of snow on the ground.
him - "She fell in the mud at the milk store running to see the cow."
me - "Jesus Christ, it's a parking lot, why weren't you holding her hand?"
him - "I didn't want to drop the milk"

And he wants me to work full time.

The Other Women

2006-01-28T07:52:00.000-08:00

The other night the most amazing moment happened between Eric & Kira. The entire family was playing on our bed, dog included. Kira was laughing uncontrollably and Eric was staring at her with a huge smile on his face. He leaned into her and told her she was beautiful. This may happen numerous times in many households, ours being one of those. But to be present and to witness Eric's happiness with Kira made my heart swell with love and hope. Many mom friends, family, mommy bloggers and myself are struggling with quieting the mind, being present and finding simple abundance. In addition, with Eric's recent struggle with anxiety and depression, this was a glimmer of pure bliss. That is why, I need to write this memory down. I'm so focused on chores, work, Kira and life, that I don't slow down. I needed that.

It also makes me happy to see Kira as Eric's girl. I don't know if it is because she is such a Mommy clinger, but I'm enjoying being the "other women". My parenting style puts Kira first above all others which is a controversial subject these days. I wish I could prescribe to Ayelet Waldman's philosophy of loving my husband more than my child and everything else will fall into place. But I'm still new at this Mommy gig so I feel the need to put Kira first. In fact, while my nephews were visiting, we played a game, best and worse moment of your life. Thank God I went last. Eric said the best thing was meeting me, while I thought the best moment was meeting Kira. Different wavelengths, different philosophy, but same compassionate, insane love, just different.

What about you? Are you being present in your life? What is your parenting style?

Are you Pregnant?

2006-01-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

Time to "really buckle down" on the diet bandwagon.

I've recently put on a few pounds (8 to be exact) and have half heartedly attempted to eat healthier but it didn't really hit me that I'm seen as paunchy until today....

I was chit chatting with a dear older volunteer at the center about upcoming events as she is glaring at my belly, which is overflowing in my stretch Levis. She asks so innocently, "Are you pregnant?"

What the fuck!!

And the worse part of it, I'm starving but in order to get a snack out of the vending machine at work, I need to walk past this sweet women who will see me come back to my room with Snickers, Cheese Its, and Kit Kats. Then she will think, no wonder she looks pregnant, she is a glutton.

Who's Your Mama?

2006-01-17T07:25:00.000-08:00

In the last few weeks, Kira has been saying my name. It is so wonderful to be in the "club" with Daddy, pup, Ben and Jeffrey. She says their names repeatedly throughout the day and it sounds so sweet. A cross between baby and girly talk, music to my ears.

Though I'm so happy to finally to be called a name, my title is not so sweet on the ears. I'm MA. Not mommy, mummy, mama, but MA! And usually in a high decimal shrill that can only be heard by me and frightened, neighborhood animals.

My sweet, little cherub calling Ma sounds like she has been sucking on a pack of Malboros followed by a 1/5 of Jack Daniels. It gets worse when I'm behind a closed door, or out of her allowed 3 foot radius. In fact, at the mall this weekend, I could hear her across a store, shrieking her Ma. All the customers could as well, they were looking for the source of this vile noise. As I find her, all red cheeked and smiling in her stroller being pushed by her patient Auntie Val, such a contrast from her Ma voice.

When I hear Ma, all I can think of is my great grandmother Ruth, whom we all called Ma. She was a spitfire, all 200lbs of her. She would think nothing of flicking a balled up candy wrapper at you during a holiday meal. I'm told she threw rotten tomatoes at my dad and his sibling when they acted up in her company. It just seems strange to be called her name.

I'll take what I can get. In a few years it will be Wendy or in the teenage years, she will call me Bitch. So for now, I'll answer to Ma, and I better answer pretty darn quickly.

And the Other Shoe Drops...

2006-01-13T07:59:00.000-08:00

Just last evening, I stated to Eric, I feel like my old self...

This last 1 1/2 years of sleep deprivation has worn me out. I'm tired, cranky and just plain miserable. I'm like Kathy Bates from Stephen King's Misery, except crazier. But Kira has been sleeping through the night for a few nights (I shouldn't jinx myself by publishing this), so I'm well rested and enjoying being in my shoes for the last few days. But......

Caleb had another seizure last night. It wasn't too bad, but he was freaked out afterwards. He paced from 10-12 pm, drinking excessively which led to urinating excessively. He even slept in our bed, which Eric never allows. Finally, after the last potty call at 2am, I banished ourselves (Caleb & me) to the upstairs bed. Caleb finally laid down, positioning himself in the absolute center of the bed. Who am I to try to move a seizure terrified, 100lb dog from the middle to the side of the bed. Silly me. So needless to say, besides the worry that he would have another one, urinate on me, and bite me, I didn't rest too well. I shouldn't complain, I wasn't the one who had a seizure.

But I can't help but worry about him, he is a WONDERFUL pet, he is our first baby. I've never worried that he would be aggressive, but now I have some doubt. Everyone who knows Caleb, knows he is such an affectionate dog, cgc & therapy certified. But there is a small if, and I can't live with myself if something should happen. I'll talk with the vet and see about a catscan. I have a suspicion it is not just thyroid. I worry about Caleb because he is our family. He must be so frightened, it makes me realize what a neglectful parent I have become to him.

Gymboree

2006-01-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

Kira and I had a total blast today at Gymboree. I cannot believe it. When my friend asked if I was interested a few weeks ago, I thought yeah, but it sure seems pretty lame and expensive.

It was worth every penny. It was so fun to watch Kira run around exploring the equipment and the children.

The most priceless part was the bubble fest. All the children sit upon the brightly colored tarp and the "teacher" blows bubbles. Kira started off on my lap, but she couldn't resist the pull of the hypnotic bubbles pulling her across the tarp, like a angel floating through the air. I know, sounds so corny but it was beautiful. I truly enjoyed being mom today. I was the fun mom, not the routine mom. Thanks Jenny.

Story Time Gone Wild!!!

2006-01-07T04:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we attended Kira's first story time at the town library. It went as expected, crazy. Kira did really good, she sat on my lap with the book for less than a minute and then went off to explore. She acted like expected, like any other 17 month old. What wasn't expected was my reaction. I thought I would be more neurotic and embarrassed by trying to restrain her but I didn't do any of the expected behavior. I let her go, and we left without my deoderant working overtime.

I signed up out of winter boredom. I thought it would be good for Kira to be around other children and she also loves the library and the libririan. But in the back of my head, I thought, are they on glue, story time for 1-2 year olds?? Don't get me wrong, Kira loves her books, but on her time, on her agenda. Don't you dare make her sit still to read a book that she didn't pick out from her own collection.

Then the insanity continued, as Kira, the first to break the circle, decided it was more fun to play with the kitchen and sand table. She started an epidemic. Slowly, each child left the circle and did their own thing, typical toddler behavior. I know each mother was thinking, can't she control her child? But no, I can't. I cater to Kira's inquisitiveness and curiousity. Isn't that how children learn? I find it fasinating to see what catches her eye whether it be the working sink on the kitchen or the adorable boy in the scuffed blue jeans. She thrives under questioning and exploring and I never want to squash that dear personality trait. If I did, wouldn't that make her the same as everyone else? Who wants that?

Thank Goodness Its a New Year

2006-01-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

The end of 2005 sucked. There is no other way to describe it.

My sadness has abated and been replaced with optimism that the new year will bring health and happiness for my family.

Kira is doing wonderfully. I worried frantically over the holidays that she would blow a gasket like a typical 16 month would, but she was a trooper. She enjoyed all the company, the festivities, and the new toys. Of course, we have some residual sleep issues, but that is expected.

The blood test from Caleb indicates his thyroid levels are low which could contribute to the seizures. The vet put him on meds 2x daily hoping to stabilize the thyroid. Did I say how much I love this veterinarian practice?

Eric continues to search for his contentment and sleep. I will admit he does seem better? Pray it will continue.

Me, I'm not so sad anymore. We went to my brother in law and new sister in laws wedding on Friday and it was wonderful. They are really in love, it is wonderful to see. Such a drastic polar opposite from Eric & mine current situation. If I didn't love them both so much, I think I would be jealous. But we are getting there....

Hoping my writing will not continue to suck in 2006.

Overwhelming Sadness

2005-12-30T10:23:00.000-08:00

I am soooooo sad.

I've never felt like this before. Uber PMS it must be. I cannot stop the tears about my situation. I thought last night I was under control, but this morning Caleb had a grand mal seizure. It was horrifying. Went to the vet for the first appointment (thank God we have a wonderful vet), and have to wait for the blood tests. Send me prayers.

Repeat After Me, "We Are Not POOR"

2005-12-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

I hate the choice of wording when my husband discusses our financial situation. He always uses the word poor instead of not rich. He complains usually weekly, we don't have any money, we are poor. And this is because we cannot go out to his favorite restaurant ($35 entrees), buy numerous audio cds, and fill our custom made wine cabinet with our favorite wines. Now, this post is not about my husband's materialistic side, which by the way, he is SO unmaterialistic. It's about how I live my life...

Yesterday at work, I was making my lists, checking them twice, stressing over who was getting what, will my gift look cheap, etc, etc. Before I left, the treasurer from the town hall came over to the Center to unlock the basement. She indicated they were giving out the Secret Santa gifts and food this evening. Ok, I didn't give it another thought. We made chit chat and she told me they were serving 176 families!!!!

My mouth hit the floor. I feel like the most ungrateful person in the world. How can this small town have 176 families that cannot provide food and presents during the holiday? Shame on me for my rants, lists, and complaints about family.

We are rich... We have our health, our precious daughter, our caring families, wonderful friends, paying jobs with health insurance. We have food, enough for all our friends and family this holiday. We are very rich.

Doctor's Office Nightmare

2005-12-14T09:11:00.000-08:00

I'm going to complain about my family's primary care practice, look away or click back, this is boring.

Why can you not get a "live" person there? Their directory is an extensive list for the twelve people that are employed at this office!! Today, I left two messages for our doctor's nurse. I know they are extremely busy but can they not take the 3 minutes to call me to let me know whether Eric should take his meds today?

I have two funny stories about this center. One, my mil went in for a pinched nerve in her leg and was treated for her warts on her hand!! Yes, you read that correctly.

Second, my friend called one day to be told to call back, their phones were down. Yes, she was speaking to a "live" person on the phone but yes, their phones were not working.

Sigh...Beam me up Scotty!

Depression Hurts

2005-12-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

Depression hurts....
It's the new tag line for the new antidepressants on the market. Unfortunately, the statement is true. Depression has been diagnosed in my family and I'm still in shock. Not so much in shock of the diagnosis, but shocked that I didn't see the signs earlier.

We used to joke and he would state, "I'm just not a happy person". Boy was that an understatement. How could the little lady and I bring so much unhappiness to a person? I never thought I was a bitch or some one that was SO demanding, but apparently, I am mistaken. He claims it isn't me or her, it's just the stress of the job and responsibilities. I understand. I'm going through the same thing, this parenthood gig is stressful. But I guess I don't understand the break down. My philosophy is just do it... because who else is going to do it?

But he is an introvert and bottles up his emotions, so I guess it just got to him, broke him down. This is a great wake up call to him, he needs to be more communicative. Hopefully, the combination of pills, therapy and hopefully sleep will bring him the contentment he is looking for in his insomnia. I, on the other hand, am going to lose it. Lose it on my mil who thinks this whole ordeal is my fault. HELLO!! You were the physco that raised this child, who never discusses emotion or feelings unless its moved by the Lord or a prayer. I absolutely resent the covert connotations that this is me & the little ladies fault. I will accept some responsibility, because it is stressful to live with me, but I'm part of the meltdown equation not the sum.

I'm afraid I'm going to get to the point when I totally go nuts and blame her smoking while pregnant, lack of breastfeeding, lack of emotional connectedness, on Eric's breakdown. I hope I can hold it together because I do in fact , love her but sheez cut me some slack.

Eric will get better, but it will be babysteps.

A New ME

2005-11-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

A full night's sleep and a shower before Princess awakes and I feel like a new person. Yesterday, commiserating with Jenny about our sleep problems, I told her I was so unhappy. Unhappy with life, my role, the monetany, the boredom, the endless housework and laundry. Today, I feel much better. This just goes along with my theory of sleep deprivation, it makes you crazy!

But it makes me think about the afterwards...the future. What am I going to do once Kira is old enough to do her own thing and going to school? Will I remember how to function outside of the home? Will I find a rewarding career in education after a period of absence that I'm so fortunate to have been given? Food for thought.

Sleep deprivation Squared

2005-11-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

I will say this again, why doesn't anyone fess up to the problem with sleep deprivation? It is getting worse in our house. The princess has slept through the night two nights in a row. Her father on the other hand, has not. His insomnia is killing me! The other evening, while Kira was sleeping like an angel, Eric was rummaging through our closet at 3:00 a.m. to find pants to work in the woodshop!!!!! Conversation runs like this:

"What are you doing?", asks the sleepy wife.
"I'm looking for some pants, I'm going out into the shop since I can't sleep."
Me, "Take the phone with you in case you cut some body part off and need an ambulance to give you a ride to the hospital because I don't want to be woken up."

and in my head, I'm thinking, Can you wash the dishes that are in the sink, since your up? He must feel so unloved. But really, I'm past the point of caring. I'm tired, very tired and too self absorbed to make affectionate motives to him.

This morning my MIL calls 10 minutes after Kira & I awake after being up during the night for 3 1/2 hours. She asks if I feel ok, I sound funny. No I"m tired, I tell her, Kira was up last night and I've only had two sips of coffee. She asks a few general questions about babysitting, etc. Then she asked if I have talked to the pediatrician. Uh no, your son hasn't seen a pediatrician since he turned 16 but he will be seeing a neurologist in December? Oh shit, she meant the kid. Ugh. No one understands.

I'm seriously perturbed that sleep deprivation isn't a mandatory child preparation class like child birth, breastfeeding. Why doesn't anyone tell us the truth? Childbirth last a few days or hours if you are lucky but this sleep deprivation is going on 16 months!! Why are all parents glossing over this BIG issue for many parents? I here comments, "I like the special time between us during the middle of the night", "I get to really focus on the baby", are you nuts? Just give me plain old fashion uninterrupted sleep, PLEASE!

I'm considering a timely planned strike during the Christmas holiday to make my point. My mother used to threaten us children with striking and I would laugh, strike from what? Cooking hot pockets, but she had a master plan. Just think about it, no shopping for relatives, no cooking, no cleaning, no decorating, no Xmas cards or pictures, no visiting. How would Kira remember, she is only 15 months old. They better change their patterns or they are going to find a striking content Christmas Mama.

Is it time?

2005-09-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

Kira is almost 14 months old but I'm not sure if I'm ready for another one. I know I want another child, but I'm afraid. I guess I'm not so delusional as I was before I had Kira. Prebaby, I thought I would have loads of free time to dedicate to my new career and budding hobbies. Ok, you can stop laughing now.

Seriously. My friends and family who had children before me, would state they were so busy taking care of the kids they didn't have time to.... shower, go out, see a movie. I often thought, what was wrong with them, don't they let their babies sleep? Haha, the joke was on me. I had no idea this gig would be all consuming. I didn't comprehend the laundry, the pumping, the cleaning, the exhaustion. I also didn't go into this parenthood with my eyes closed either, I thought I was being realistic. I had no idea.

Now, contemplating a second wirhlwind into the chaosis, is downright frightening. Can I handle it? Can Eric handle it? Can Kira handle it? Can our marriage handle another child? Kira was such a difficult baby and it seems might be a difficult toddler (is there anything else?), I'm afraid to have another one. Will nature take over and give us another gift or should I stop being selfish and accept one is all we can handle?

Rubber Legs, Straight Paws and Tantrums

2005-09-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

Kira is starting to assert her independence by throwing and contorting her body when taken away from a situation in which she doesn't want to leave. When Eric or I try to pick her up to carry her, she throws herself backwards and body slams your chest. The kid packs a punch.

She doesn't want to ride in the stroller, hold anyone's hand, or be carried, she is a big girl now. This was evident at the Woodstock Fair. Eric innocently asked, "Can I take her out of the stroller?" Go ahead answers the mother laughing in her head, thinking how are you going to get that maniac back in her stroller? Eric takes her out of the stroller and she loves the freedom. She runs after the 1.2 million people at the fair, picks up garbage off the street, and runs faster than a cougar running after it's prey. Eric runs after her, holding onto her hand, only to be shunned by Kira, who is contorting her hand out of Eric's. After a few feet of this conflict, Eric decides enough is enough and puts her back in her carriage. WHA! She cries like she is being tortured.

These temper tantrums continue through out the day. I don't fault Kira for the tantrums, I feel like throwing myself on the floor and banging my head a few times daily, but I find the restraint and calm myself (usually). I'm concerned with these, that they will become more out of control with age, etc, etc. but I have learned this is totally age appropriate. But never the less, I'm reading "How to Become the Parent you Want to BE", just in case.

Summer

2005-09-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

Summer is starting to change like the leaves upon our cherry tree but Kira is growing and learning like a oak tree in the New England spring. She is quite funny lately, aside from the teething. Her sleeping has gotten so much better. When she does wake at night to nurse, when she is finished she reaches up to kiss me. It is priceless and I want to treasure these moments forever. I wonder if she is going to be an affectionate girl. She also looks for kisses during one of her crying jags after an injury. She will be crying and stop, look for kisses and continue crying. You can't help but smile.

But on the flip side, she is starting to blow kisses at some strange looking people. Kira is in love with a volunteer from my work and he looks absolutely creepy, though he is not. It makes me wonder, what she finds attractive in other people.

He Made a Funny!!

2005-08-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

Had a funny conversation with my darling nephew today:

Jeffrey: "Auntie, I like how you wrote everyone's name in the cement. Are you going to put more cement and add Kira's name?" uttered so innocently.

Auntie: "Jeffrey, I'm not sure how much longer we can keep her." hahaha. He didn't seem horrified or questioned the logic. Priceless. Husband was hysterical in the corner.

Most people wouldn't think that was funny, but the few people who would think so know what we are going through currently and would laugh their ass off.

Happiness.

2005-08-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had the feeling, as fleeting as it may be, that everything is perfect? The smell of the blooming hydrangeas, the relaxation of no pressing emergencies or chores to be completed, the sun shining without the humidity, the precious uninterrupted time to yourself because some one is sleeping. I had it. Twice recently, in fact.

Saturday afternoon, Kira was sleeping, Eric was working and I read my book in the backyard. It felt so sinful and SO good.

Yesterday, it happened again. It was a big day for Kira and I. We ventured out of the house for over eight hours yesterday. Those who know Kira, understand this statement. Kira is a creature of habit, likes only her bed, being home, etc. We went to the beach to visit my sister and her family. I was very nervous but a bit excited like a climber getting ready to climb Mount Everest. We set out, blankie expertly tied to the driver's seat headrest, so I wouldn't have to pull over to help Kira with it. I packed as if we were going on a week vacation.

Guess what? We had a great time! All the nervousness and anxiety just left me and I was consumed with the feeling of happiness and contentment.

Who Stole Our Kid?

2005-07-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

Really.
Eric and I keep commenting to each other over the last few glorious days, "isn't Kira SO happy?" I impulsively cut her bangs the other morning and since then she is like a child you read about in parenting magazines, takes naps, wakes up happy, only has a few crying bouts a day. Could it really be her bangs were the cause of her misery and unhappiness? I hope not, that would make me vain and uncompassionate.

Intensive

2005-07-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

That's the only way to describe it. Her, her attitude, and her lust for life. Yesterday's hour long car trip to a family cookout made me really ponder this current dilemma. Kara HATES the car. She doesn't mind trips to the local grocery store, or quick errands with Mom or Dad. But put her in the carseat for longer than 15 minutes without a distraction and you would think we were torturing her with a spoonful of blueberries. And it isn't just the carseat. It's the lamb that won't stay in her push hippopatomous, it's the bathtub that isn't the correct temperature, it's the sippy cup that brushes against her teeth, and it's the door to her fort that won't stay on it's hinges. Kira's intensity, which normally I find rather charming and assertive really bothered me yesterday.

At the end of the day, I said to Eric, "something is wrong with that kid." I said in the context of normal conversation, like we usually discuss the Kira days. Eric, who usually listens with one ear, perks up, "What do you mean? Like wrong as in disability?" Me, utterly exhausted from "enjoying the cookout" (now that's an oximoron) frustratedly said, "yes". I ponder, Most kids are not like her, they are easy going. They may cry, have tantrums, and move on but Kira is different.

You can tell from the time she wakes up how her day is going to be. On happy days, she coos, sings and can't wait for Mommy to get her. On dark days, she cries until she sees you open her door and then she wails louder. But this is not something new, when she was born, I took to calling her Kira light and dark depending on her mood. In fact, at the hospital, the nurses could not comfort her in the nursery and had to bring her back to tired, drugged me who had no idea what I was doing. The nurse said to me, "you have a wild one". Come to find out, they are right, she's nuts!

Eric and I discussed how we are glad she was intensive from day one. Unlike my dear, poor friend, Lori who brought her precious, happy go lucky son home from the hospital, who at six weeks decided he would become colicky (sorry Lori). Kira was crazy from day one. Now, this doesn't make it any easier, we have transitioned from colic to teething and now, I don't know what to even call it. All I know is that I'm too old for this. Part of me celebrates her verocity, and I encourage it but the other part of me just wants to tell her to pipe down.

The other day, I asked my sister if she thought Kira to be intensive. She said yes, but diplomatically discussed children's personalities are often products of parents' stress levels and personalities. She showed me living proof, her two delightful boys, who are total opposites. I thought our discussion over and wasn't quite sure what to think, but I know I did think, Oh NO, we are in trouble if that is true!!! Crap, I screwed her up already.

Is She a Miller or a K?

2005-07-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

I never realized how annoying it is when people look at a child and say, "she looks like mom" or "she looks like dad", until I had Kira. I was as guilty as everyone else, trying to make the parents feel better, oh yeah, she definitely looks like.... fill in the blank.

My mother in law has always said, "Kira looks like Kira". At the beginning, I thought, this women is crazy, can she not admit she looks like a Miller? But on getting to know this sweet creature, it has occurred to me, she DOES look like Kira. But on the other hand, I see her entire family in small sutle glimpes of her.

Of course, I see Eric in her smile and laugh. We have a picture of Eric around 3 years old and their smiles are identical. There is no question Eric is her Daddy. I also see Eric in Kira's quiet, serious face when she is playing with her toy and trying to figure the innards out. Kira has Eric's serious temperament. When she makes new people, she is reserved and quiet, so much like Daddy.

But, I see me as a baby in Kira. My parents, Gramma & Pup Miller, always remark how much she reminds them of me as a baby. It is striking to look at pictures of myself and see Kira. They also get very nostalgic discussing it. As a parent, you can almost understand how time goes by so quickly and I'm sure the thirty seven years went by like lightning speed for them. Of course, Kira has the Miller forehead, there is no denying it (sorry Dad). The poor girl will always need to wear bangs and will never have the vogue hairstyles seen on many people. I see my sister Val, in her eyes and Ben and Jeffrey in little smiles or mannerisms she may have picked up from them. I see my sister Cherie in her laugh, but of course, you really have to work hard to get them. I see Cierra in her activity level, ugh.

I see Grammy K's crazy, gravity defying hair in Kira's staticky mane. Many people comment, where did she get that hair? I see Grampy K's mischievous smile when Kira is doing something she shouldn't be. It is almost like he is here with us still. I particularly see Uncle Jay as a child in Kira so very much. They do look very much alike in their baby stage.

So when people say, does she look like a Miller or a K, I will reply, she looks like Kira.

Am I Crazy or is This Teething?

2005-07-04T05:44:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a neurotic mother. No, not the mother that worries about her child behaving, being healthy. The mother that is in a state of panic over everything. Eric, having heard these statements too many times, will just roll his eyes when yet another series starts, "Was that a cough? Did it sound like a throat clearing cough or was it a cough cough? What did her poop look like today? Was it solidly formed or was it runny?" Even my dear mother in law has taken to writing in Kira's journal, one moderate bowel movement. My poor dear family.

But see, I'm usually correct in my worry or neurosis. The one time Kira had an ear infection, I knew she was sick. So since then, I sick on the dark edge of worry, waiting for the next illness to infect our camp. The last few weeks at our compound have been a mixture of sleeplessness and happiness, if those two can go hand in hand. Kira must be getting her molars because she has been on a nightly dosage of Tylenol for two weeks, with no end in sight.

I call my "experienced" Mommy family and friends and ask for their advice. Is this teething or should I bring her to the doctors? They all say go with your gut. The problem, my gut is confused. Our wedding anniversary was last week and we didn't go out for dinner because Kira had a "low grade fever". We called the doctor and they said to bring her in. After a thorough discussion with Auntie Val, we decided to wait until the morning. Well sure enough, no fever in the morning. Does it get any better? The constant worry. Sadly, they tell me no.

Father's Day 2005

2005-06-25T15:24:00.000-07:00

Today is Father's Day. I purposefully go to the card store with Kira in tow to find the absolute perfect card for Eric. This is Eric's first Father's Day with Kira and this day is very bittersweet for him. I'm sure he misses his own Dad, Tony, more than words can express but he is smitten with Kira and I want to make this day special for him... but

The cards are all wrong.

Kira cannot fathom what her Father has done for her in her short ten months of life in this crazy world. Besides the "normal and expected" father things of working, caring and feeding her, Eric is an amazing father. How do I explain to Kira her father was the only one her changed her diaper every hour for the first two days of her life. Furthermore, he had to show ME how to correctly put on a diaper so we no longer have "blowouts". How will she ever understand that Eric doesn't say a word or cross his eyes when she takes her train and destructively careens it across the coffee table that Eric spent months creating so there were no sharp edges or corners to danger his sweet little girl?

Will Kira ever understand her father is one of the few adults I have ever seen use the playground equipment at the neighborhood playgroud? Most parents are occupying their children while talking on the cell phone, yelling at the older kids, and counting the minutes and seconds until they can load the troops back into the minvan or gargantoun SUV.

Will Kira appreciate how Eric danced a polka with his dear daughter at the Polish Festival this weekend? Not a care or concern of what people would think of Kira and her goofy father.

While I cook, clean, work and plan activities for Kira to enjoy, Eric lives the life I so desparately want to. He is spontaneous with Kira, using each second he can to play and teach Kira about the world. Playing banjo, guitar and taking her for walks in the woods are things that Eric enjoys and loves to share with Kira. I, on the other hand, plan events to the library and playground, every minute accounted and planned for.

So.... at the card store, I pick the card that says, "From Daddy's little Girl" and sign it from Kira stating that he is the best father in the world. Plain, boring and every one writes the same thing to their father. But my heart says more....

The Day of Firsts

2005-02-05T17:13:00.000-08:00

Today is Kira's 6 month life birthday. Just six short months ago, Eric and I welcomed her into our world. Everyday is an adventure with here. Today she tried green beans and drank out of sippy cup all for the first time. She was so happy with the beans, just opening up her mouth to get more in.

I love hanging out with here, just Mommy and Kira. We visit and just play silly. I know there will be a day when she no longer wants to hang with Mom but for now I will just enjoy.

PS - Sometimes when Daddy is working all day, we hang out in our jammies, dont tell anyone!

The Napping Saga

2005-02-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

The saga continues for Kira's nap predicatability. Last night she didn't fall asleep until after 9:30 p.m. after 2 and 1/2 hour attempts. She slept lousy but was still bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. We had a playdate with her friends Maddy & Gabby and has been sleeping for almost 3 hours since we got home. Can Maddy & Gabby play everyday?